I Feel Poorly

I have to be honest, I dread writing this post. My set last night was bad. I got a few laughs, not a bomb, but it might as well have been. From the word jump, I knew it wasn't going to go well.

My energy was really low when I got onstage, and I felt distant. It might have had something to do with the host, referring to the comics last night as a meal and I was introduced as the salad. He did a fine job of making the crowd laugh, but from what I could see, he was cutting the showcase comics, myself included, off at the knees. Phrases like, "There's the emergency exit right there in case the next comic really sucks..." etc etc. I know that's an excuse, and I'm not blaming him directly, I'm just painting the picture.

My jokes weren't hitting the crowd very well. A couple of them went over okay, but I literally had a couple that got no response at all. It was grim. I tried to mix up styles while onstage and deviated from my set list. Jokes that had killed before were getting a limp chuckle. They weren't into me, and I wasn't into them. It was just a hair better than the OOB show I did a couple of months back.

When my set was over, I thanked the crowd, and the host was nowhere to be seen. I was hung up there to dry. What a horrible feeling. He should've been in or near the room to take the stage back, but instead he was off jerking around not paying attention. He's done it before when I worked with him, but at least I plowed through the set and had a good set last time, so the moment wasn't quite as awkward. Last night it sucked.

Comedy is finnicky. There's nothing quite like the feeling of being on stage and people are feeling you. It's one of the greatest feelings in the world. There's a strange connection and magic to it. When it goes south, like last night, it's just as instense of a feeling except, it feels that bad. It's tough to go through. Anybody that knows me closely, knows I have poor self esteem, and have been through bouts of depression. It makes the tough nights especially tough. It doesn't matter how many great nights I have, a bad one will stay with me and mean more than 1000 great nights.

When I took my dog for a walk this morning at 5:00, the thought that kept popping into my head was "I haven't learned anything from last night's set". That's something I've always found is that I learn something from every show. I'm full of self doubt and I'm real angry about how my set went down last night. I'm mostly angry at myself for not doing a good job. I wonder if all the stress and work to write new jokes is worth a night like last night. Tune in next time and see.

My next show is on Tuesday of next week at Sierra's in Gorham at 8:00. Other than that, I have October 12th, the 29th, and the previously mentioned Boston Comedy Connection on November 6th.